Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Diets are Stupid

Diets are stupid.  That's pretty much all I have to say on that.

When I turned on the TV this morning, the news reporters were all up in my face about some new diet study that said eating two meals per day was better for you could lead to more weight loss than eating six meals per day, even if your total food intake under both plans was the same.  I find this instantly annoying, because I can promise you that the people telling me to eat two meals were the same people who told me to eat six meals a day, or nothing but grapefruits or whatever.  I did a Google search on "Popular Diets" and got the following results:

  • Atkins: no carbs, all the fat you want, and lose weight.  Anyone who has read more than a few posts of this blog knows how I feel about carbs (I like potatoes in my pasta), so this ain't happening for me.  Also Mr. Atkins died of a heart attack, so...
  • The Zone: 30% protein, 30% fat, and 40% carbohydrates.  Because the only thing I love more than dieting is math.  Also you're not supposed to have cheese with The Zone diet, so clearly it was invented by a jack ass.
  • Vegetarian: Eat vegetables.  That's fine.  To each their own.  But I like meat.  Also, most of the vegetarians I know get their protein through soy, and I'd rather eat food with a face than GMO soy.
  • Vegan: My concerns are similar to Vegetarian.  Also I don't understand the honey part.
  • Weight Watchers: From what I understand of Weight Watchers, it might actually be a good thing; teach people how to eat well by assigning each food a point value.  But, similar to The Zone, I'd rather not confuse my eating habits with basic math (or counting.  Whatever).
  • South Beach: Like Atkins but different?  Honestly, I'm confused on this one.  No carbs, good fats, eat small portions.  But get this: "The 14 day induction phase bans bread, rice, potatoes, pasta, baked goods, and fruit.  And you can't have even a drop of beer, wine, or other alcohol.  The diet promises that after a couple of days, you won't really miss the stuff."  My ass I won't.  You can have my carbs and booze over my dead, well fed body!
  • Raw Food: As the name would imply, you eat only raw food - meaning uncooked and unprocessed.  I could rant about this for a while.  There are many types of food by which cooking releases the nutritional value, and cooked meat provided the energy that early humans needed to develop the big brains that we have (true story... or actual scientific theory, more appropriately).  I feel the same way here that I feel about vegan/vegetarian diets.  Humans were made to eat meat (our teeth tell us we are omnivores), and our bodies want that meat to be cooked.  Raw food provides less caloric energy, and our bodies need that energy.  Studies on modern women on raw diets show that they often miss their menstrual periods because of lack of energy (per Scientific America)
  • Mediterranean: Eat like the Mediterraneans do - specifically a diet rich in plant foods and healthy fats.  Fruits and vegetables should be seasonal, unprocessed, and simply prepared.  Meats are minimal.  But, this isn't just a diet.  It's a lifestyle.  You also have to eat slowly, exercise regularly, and possibly have good Mediterranean genes.  I would say this is the closest to what I try to do, and I'm part Italian so I guess I've got that going for me too.
  • The Biggest Looser: For those of us who like our diets "As Seen on TV."  I'm opposed to The Biggest Looser on principle.  That show does not promote good body image or healthy lifestyle changes.  It promotes watching a bunch of fat people fall off treadmills and cry.  I also don't plan on getting my singing lessons from the American Idol judges anytime soon.
Web MD (which is my third biggest source of information on all things medical - right behind my best friend who is a veterinarian and Gray's Anatomy) gives a list of 100 diets for you to chose from.  My favorites included:
  • The Baby Food Diet: You get to eat 14 jars of baby food throughout the day, with an option to have a healthy adult meal at dinner.  I happen to have had major reconstructive jaw surgery a few years back, and I was required to be on this diet for about two months.  You lose weight.  You also loose the ability to have a good morning poop.  Not a good trade.
  • The Carb Lovers Diet: YES!  This one is for me, right?  According to the diet, carbs are the preferred choice of fuel for our body, and "adding the right carbs back into your diet may be exactly what you need to feel full, increase energy, and lose weight."  Sweet!  But what's this?  "About a quarter of each meal should come from a carb star.  The rest should be lean meat, low fat dairy, healthy fats, fruits, and vegetables."  Okay... I can deal with that.  But they go on: "Once weekly, you can have a treat of chocolate, apple pie, two light beers, or two glasses of wine."  OR?  ONCE WEEKLY?  F you, Carb Lovers Diet.  
  • The Cookie Diet: Buy their cookies.  Eat their cookies.  For breakfast and lunch.  Then buy and eat one of their frozen meals for dinner.  Follow it strictly and you will lose weight - because you only get 800-1200 calories per day.  You will also loose weight in your wallet.
  • The Hormone Diet: Start with a two week detox where you are only allowed to eat gluten-free grains, whole raw vegetables (excluding corn), whole raw fruits (except citrus), nuts, seeds, fish, feta and goat cheese, olive, avocado, flaxseed and canola oils, eggs, nondairy milk, and soy products.  Which confuses me because it started out by saying "in step one the highest allergenic, inflammatory, or migraine causing foods are removed from the diet."  I would have assumed that "highest allergenic foods" would include nuts, soy, and dairy...  Anyway, I'm basically pissed that the hormone diet says anything other than: Eat a pint of Ben and Jerry's, and cry.
  • This Is Why You're Fat: No, really, that's the name of this diet.  In addition to having the best name ever, this diet also allows me to quote Admiral Ackbar: 

You start out eating normal PLUS 2-3 cups vegetables, 1 cup oatmeal, two whole fruits, 8 oz whey protein shake, 2-3 liters lemon water, and 2 cups herbal tea.  But then, after two weeks, they take everything else away from you, and you JUST get those things, plus two eggs, 8 oz lean meat, and 1 cup whole grains.  And alcohol is 100% off the menu.  Bastards.

Anyway, my point is, it's not about some fancy diet with a fancy name.  Like everything, eating is about moderation.  Here's the Kate Diet:  "Don't Eat Crap."  I like to pair it with my exercise plan: "Go Do Something." 

Oh!  I'm going to be presenting at the South Shore Farmer's Market on August 18th.  I'm going to have to promote that better than at the bottom of a very long post about nothing.  Come check me out!

Also, I was just texting a friend, and my phone (multiple times) tried to autocorrect "beer" to "beet."  I might be the worst Sconnie ever.

1 comment:

  1. Aug 18th is a Sunday. I assume you mean Aug 17th? If yes, then that date sucks because we'll be out of town. :(

    I hate diets. Which is why I'm still overweight. I stick to them for a while, but then I fall off and the weight comes right back. I'd like your Ben and Jerry's diet!